Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Silly Racist! Dominick Scores Victory for Justice

“I’ve gathered you all here today to speak on an injustice.” Dominick said staring sharply into the crowd. “This injustice has plagued not just Cicero, but our entire country all the way back into the early 1960’s. I’m sure I’m not the only person who cringes when I hear this sentence of intolerance and hatred.”
Dominick took a deep breath once again looking out to the crowd for strength before pausing and saying:
“Silly Rabbit, TRIX are for kids.”
“Silly Rabbit, TRIX are for kids.” His voice cracking.

“This is a slogan that has plagued our nation with bigotry and insensitivity for far to long.”

“TRIX are delicious. TRIX should be enjoyed by everyone who finds them tasty regardless of age, sex, race or religious beliefs.” Dominick said sternly.

I as President of Cicero Illinois declare from this day forward TRIX are for kids no longer…TRIX ARE FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The crowd rose as one and began cheering wildly.

“Cicero will step forward and lead the rest of America with a new slogan!” Dominick proudly proclaimed.

“Sensible Rabbit, TRIX are for everyone, please sit down and enjoy some of our box with us!” bellowed Dominick pounding his fist on the podium

“Sensible Rabbit, TRIX are for everyone, please sit down and enjoy some of our box with us!” chanted Dominick, glancing toward the crowd, urging them to join in.

“Sensible Rabbit, TRIX are for everyone, please sit down and enjoy some of our box with us” shaking the very foundation of the small chapel with his powerful fists.

The crowd struggled to follow along with the elaborate slogan murmuring incoherently.

Dominick was noticeably moved by the crowd’s reception. “Today is a good day. I just know the TRIX Rabbit is looking down on us from heaven with a smile on his face.”

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

New Candidate Emerges Eyes 09 Election

After working many years as a cable guy and a brief stint as a health inspector Larry, like many celebrities before him has decided to throw his hat, in this case trucker’s into the political arena. “I saw the success Schwarzenegger and Sonny Bono had and thought yeah this is for me.” Larry said.
“Dominick’s visions of a new Cicero are ambitious, but you know what would be better an even newer Cicero, and I intend to Git-R-Done. I’m talkin’ hover patrol cars and robot water meter readers y’all GIT-R-DONE!.” Larry continued.
“Historically Cicero can be divided into 3 phases much like a butterfly. “Old Cicero” 1869-2005 or caterpillar phase, “New Cicero” 2005-2009 or cocoon phase, and ”Even Newer Cicero” 2009-beyond or butterfly phase which is where I come in and the town really starts to fly. Git-R-Done.”
“Even Newer Cicero can begin shortly after my inauguration because we would only have to paint over one part of the cars and buildings. Residents and employees wouldn’t even be bothered with the hassle of learning a new name.”
“I think residents should vote for me because of my blue collar background, I’m an everyman someone they can relate to. I bring instant celebrity name recognition to a city that is still living in the shadow of Al Capone. Above all else if something needs accomplishing I’ll Git-R-Done.”

“Larry the Cable Guy a newer Cicero in 2009 Let’s Git-R-Done together.”

Larry Dominick “El Vampiro!?”

Relax. We are not suggesting that you run to the closest market to stock up on garlic and a crucifix. Don’t bother dusting off your old Buffy DVDs in hopes of finding tips on how to deal a killing blow. Larry Dominick is not actually a vampiro. He does not intend to put fear in the hearts of Mexican children like the chupacabra has been doing for centuries.
In yet another attempt to connect with the Latin community Larry is going trick or treating as a vampiro. Larry didn’t want to reveal his costume to us early in an effort to avoid the paparazzi so what you see above is an artist’s rendition. The logic of the decision is puzzling since it shouldn’t be hard to spot the trick or treater that is 2 feet taller and 250lbs heavier than the next biggest kid. Also unless we are counting parents many of the other trick or treaters won’t have body guards.
Larry who was noticeably giddy about this coming Friday had the following comment. “ I did this for two reasons; the first being to connect with the children of the community. The second was to get me some Affy Tapples n Milk Duds.”
Have a Happy Safe Holloween

Monday, October 20, 2008

7 X 4 = A River of Tears in Cicero

Fourth Graders at West Columbus elementary died a little inside today as a hero of theirs president Larry Dominick seemed baffled and perplexed by one of their math tests.

“I was giving the children a pop quiz on multiplication and since Larry was in to speak on the importance of education, I thought it would be fun for the children if he tagged along.”, said Mrs. Trunbull.

“He even had trouble with the zeros and fives”, said Guadalupe Garcia pictured on the far left.

Juan Mendoza added “When I woke up today, I had two heroes, Larry Dominick and Batman, now I have only one hero and a sad heart.”

Larry wasn’t as fazed by his failure or disappointment of the children, shrugging his shoulders and saying sternly, “I’m president of Ci-cer-o, not Nu-mer-o! When am I ever gonna use my multiplication tables. Are you for sure that those were even around when I was a kid.”

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Larry Dominick Ba-hum“Bugs” Christmas

“I have a problem with Christmas.” Dominick began causing a collective gasp from the gathering throng of spectators. “I would prefer if it took place in the summer months, as my Hawaiian shirts don’t have long sleeves. As we have seen in the past whenever I encounter a problem I quickly fabricate a solution. I couldn’t get the US government to change Christmas to summer so I did the next best thing. I’m bringing summer to Christmas. Announcing the First Annual Town of Cicero Lightning Bug Hunt: A Larry Dominick Joint.”

The crowd including the yet to be identified gentlemen standing behind Dominick seemed noticeably perplexed, but managed to feign a few smiles.

“Any Cicero residents age 13 and over are eligible to enter. The objective is simple whoever catches the most lightning bugs within the time limit is the winner. They will be awarded this championship belt, which was made with the melted down badges of officers who were terminated for sexual harassment. We will store all the lightning bugs we catch as a community in controlled temperature jars in the basement of the new town hall. They will be released at the lighting of the tree on Christmas Eve.”

Dominick paused to absorb a few subtle claps from the few citizens that had yet to disperse. He held up one finger in a gesture of silence at the dwindling crowd.

“It gets better.” Dominick continued. “ Standing to my right is Jim Klauba of Chicago’s JK Fight Team. If you catch the most lightning bugs you are automatically entered into a three round anything goes full contact bout with him.” Should you win by KO, TKO or even just survive the entire three rounds I will also include a $25 gift card to Blockbuster Video.”

“We expect the response from nature lovers and film fanatics to be overwhelming.”, a town spokesman added.

Meet Team Dominick "Christina Aguilera"

Name: Christina Aguilera
Title: Queen of Cicero

Larry’s been a big fan of Christinas since the Lady Marmalade video, personally requesting it on TRL on over four-dozen different occasions. Many close to him say he feels she is the hottest thing to come out of Latin America since Charo. In a chance airport meeting Larry told Christina “I’m a genie in a bottle you gotta rub me the right way.” To settle out of court she was instantly added to the 09 campaign.
Christina’s booming voice and attractive physical appearance will radiate and illuminate parades and town sponsored events. God Bless America sounds a lot better from a multi-platinum recording artist than it does from the chorus of local school bands. One thing that’s for certain is Cicero finally has a Queen that rivals England’s. Take that Britain the colonies have one-up’ed you yet again.

Meet Team Dominick "Mr. T"

Name: Mr. T
Title: Director of Education

When Larry was looking to add a new director of education to his 09 campaign only one name came to mind, Jaime A Escalante . Unfortunately repeated attempts to contact Mr. Escalante yielded no response, that left Larry with only one logical alternative, Mr. T. His no nonsense approach to education reform made him the perfect fit. Larry was impressed by his zero tolerance attitude towards drugs.
When reached for comment Mr. T made the following statement: “I pity the fool who neglects the importance of an education. We called it the A team for a reason. Larry came to me with some jibba jabba talkin’ bout, lack of education in Cicero. When I was growing up my family was so poor we couldn’t afford to pay attention so Mr. T knows the importance of scoo’.”

Meet Team Dominick "El Mariachi"

Name: “El Mariachi”
Occupation: Body Guard

Larry did his research personally before making this hire, knowing he needed a trustworthy killing machine to protect his life in the event of an attempt at regicide.

“El means “the” according to a Spanish to English dictionary.” Larry began. “I wasn’t able to find the English meaning of mariachi before the woman at the book store in the mall threatened to call security on me if I didn’t plan to buy anything.”

“As I scampered away I came to the following assumption mariachi must mean “man with guitar that is also a gun.” From this point forward I will continue in English to avoid any confusion. Adding the man with guitar that is also a gun to my security staff will prove to be a wise decision.”

“The man with guitar that is also a gun has single handedly decimated several drug cartels. He also has previous experience in protecting the life of el presidente, which if you paid attention to what I said earlier loosely translates to the presidente.”

“What I like the most about the man with guitar that is also a gun, is after the perimeter has been secure he can serenade the air with one of his sensual Spanish songs leaving me feeling safe and relaxed.”

Cell “Fun” Time???

Gertrude, Mildred, and Clarence no longer find their visits to Larry’s Senior Center as fun and relaxing as they had been in the past. “We are picked up at 5am by a senior center bus, and forced to make fundraising calls for Larry for 12 hours without any breaks or lunches.”, said Millie.
Gertrude added “Text messages frighten and confuse me, they force me to use the Macarena as my ring tone, and when I told Shift Master Steve, our caretaker, that I needed a break because my fingers hurt” he replied “Your fingers hurt!? Well now your back is gonna hurt because you just pulled yard duty!” proceeding to make me rake leaves.
Clarence added “ I can’t remember much, but I’d wager dickity six wooden nickels that there was no mention of this when we voted Larry into office whenever that was.

Larry was unavailable for comment, as he spent the day with a search party compiled of on duty police officers and inept town officials following a treasure map he had obtained from the back of a box of Cookie Crisp cereal, a town spokesman said.

Dominick turns to ace up his sleeve for war on Gangs

Desperate times call for desperate measures for the Dominick administration, as the rising gang violence in Cicero seems to have no end in sight. Forget you read that last sentence because Cicero definitely has an end in sight or at the very least on the horizon. That is to say we can start calling Larry Dominick; Larry Magellan because the end of gang violence is certainly on the map (Probably).

What you see here is a picture of a man known only as Chuck, and he is the cure to the virus known as gang violence in the town of Cicero. Chuck loyally patrols the streets with his trusty musket until his legs can’t carry him any further. Crips, Bloods, Warriors, and Gramercy Riffs, all tuck their tail and run when they see Chuck marching down the street humming Yankee Doodle Dandy.

Larry Dominick has been pleased by the changes Chuck has brought about adding “Gang violence is down several percentages since Chucks’ been on board. I had my team of lawyers work long hours for many weeks sparing no expense and they came up with the following facts. Muskets and rapiers were the deadliest killers known to man for over a century. Since clothing often goes through a retro phase, we thought why not warfare. I am happy to inform that our administration has purchased its first cannon.”

Larry also added with glee “ The great thing about Chuck is he really believes its 1812 so we’re paying 1812 scale.”

It’s to early to call Chuck a success or failure right now, but its safe to say gang leaders are starting to take notice.

When asks his thoughts on Chuck patrolling the streets, Cyrus leader of the Gramercy Riffs had this to say “ I can’t dig it sucka”